local news

Barnstaple Mayor, Mario Deplumber, has insisted the towns annual carnival will go ahead later this year, as planned, & doesn't give a fuck what the government says. Following the local council paying cash in hand, without a receipt, sadly they cannot cancel the event & claim insurance against it. Mario, famously mayor since rescuing the princess with his brother Luigi, has personally tested all of the rides & attractions, & promised his niece both a ride & a  fumble on the ghost train. Asked if social distancing will be observed at the carnival, the Mayor replied "all ugly broads are safe, obviously, but fit chicks will struggle to keep the guys 2m away im sure" adding "Luigi has saved up £15 in 20p's for the arcade, I can't stop it now"

Following the discovery of 429 pallets of toilet paper at the Newport home of Eva Phattas, Police arrested, trialled, & sentenced the offender on the spot, under new Corona powers. She will tied to the Newport Transporter Bridge on Thursday, and local welsh stone will be used to teach her the error of her hoarding ways. Chief Cuntstubble Dewi Dewdew said "Having confiscated the 429 pallets, South Wales Police now have enough shit paper to get us through until 2023. I cannot thank Eva enough for her donation, and look forward to stoning the hoarding bitch next week." Police have warned against bulk buying for weeks, with cautions already issued for those seen with 2 pints of milk in recent weeks.