surviving isolation - our tips

You've just spent a few weeks in isolation, locked in a bedroom, masturbating to porn hub and binge watching Netflix...you were going to venture out to the shops today, until you  turned on the news and heard about this corona virus thingy. Your going to need some help to get though this, here's our tips!

Parents everywhere are beginning to realise that the teacher wasn't the problem. Don't show any sign of weakness, children seize on that, remain strong in the face of insults, no matter how many times they call you Mrs Skidmarks or Mr Doesn't get any from mum anymore. If required, cane the fuckers until they listen, normal rules don't apply under lockdown. A good time eating tip is to make them read the bible, without a break, dinner or sleep, until they find all 2,483 plot holes in it.

Men everywhere are struggling without live sport, and the sophisticated man to man chat only found in the pub. They are all wishing their ladies sucked as much as self isolation does. Wives & partners everywhere should keep an eye out for the tell tale depression signs, if he sobs like a baby in his man cave, he's probably ok, but if he starts watching repeats of Loose Women, call a doctor for fucks sake!

You've just had a message from your boss not to come in tomorrow, "shit, they've been through my internet history" your thinking - but its ok, the nation is working from home now until this shit all blows over. There isn't a job you can't do from home, if you put you mind to it, with internet access, string, 2 tin cans, and a 24-pack of stella cans.