Following up on 5G conspiracy theories exploding across social media, and community hall notice boards everywhere, since the lockdown forced people inside with nothing to do, Eamonn Holmes has today launched an online petition asking the government to limit masts of all kinds, from mobile to ship masts.
As a renowned frequency specialist scientist, there is no higher scientific authority in the UK than Eamonn Holmes. With over 60 years experience, man and boy, in telephone masts and their effects, it is expected the government will down tools on fighting Corona and listen to the man. "Nobody knows masts like I do, I put the first 1G mast up in Belfast, and my current wife, Ruth Langsford, & I spent our honeymoon up a 3G mast for 2 weeks in the Maldives." Holmes chirped.
"Things started to go fucking wrong with 4G" Eamonn continued "I could sense it, like a dog can hear things humans can't, I was off my food, sleeping was restless at best most nights, poor old Ruthie had to move into the spare room" he added. He has, however, really upset sailors across the world with his petitions other request, to limit ship masts sizes & numbers too.
When questioned on why ship masts were included in his petition, Holmes erupted "Because the illuminati use the ship masts to spread confusion alongside telephone masts, you dumbass! The wind, bouncing off the sails, can strip a mans immune system faster than Ruthie falls asleep when I ask if little Eamonn can come out to play."
Reports are coming in from news outlets around the world, that Mariah Carey has absolutely lost her shit, after discovering she hasn't been asked to go on the next season of Love Island.
As our readers know, Mariah Carey is an avid Love Island fan, from way, way back. Once each season finishes filming, she hires the villa and makes typical diva requests, like not to change the sheets from the last guests, so she can sniff and lick them, to bring herself even closer to the Z list fame whores who once slept, bumped and grinded there.
She has rung show bosses for the last 3 years running, and, having promised they'd consider her for next time, she went nuclear when discovered they had already picked contestants for the forthcoming season. Eyewitnesses' reported she threw her personal assistant out of the window of her New York penthouse, then called her, and shouted down the phone, about the mess on the pavement she'd made on landing, before breaking down into tears.
The 1991 Grammy's best new artist, Carey, had spent the last 6 months working on her entrance walk into the villa, and had been learning to speak glasweigan, geordie, scouse, cockney, brummie and even welsh, so she could quickly couple up with any 15 minutes of fame seeker from the UK. Rumours that she had been working on a new type of sing-a-long, under the sheets, cock stroking move, dubbed the "Mariah Special" had show producers interested, but when she pulled the cock off a dancer she'd been practising on, bosses feared a lawsuit from prospective cockless contestants.
Mariah, who famously rebuilt the Titantic in her garden, just to get ploughed by Leonardo DiCaprio, in a 1912 motor car, is no stranger to diva requests. She insists on champagne on her cornflakes every morning, swims in a bath of sperm whale sperm, and of course, famously, had an anal zip extension surgically made to her bumhole, unzipping to a foot wide every time she has to take a dump, so she hasn't had to break a sweat, no matter the stool size, since 1995.
Interested in the habits of the rich and famous? How did they get so rich and so famous? Why don't they get up before 11am on weekends? Do butlers wipe their arses?