Stacy: Good afternoon What the Actual Fuck followers. I just have one little comment to make ... and that is ... where the fuck are the comments on this shit? We appreciate that you think it's "funny" and click the box, but come on - give us some mother fucking feedback!

kthxbai.

THIRTY LOVE!

Brad: Thank you, Stacy.  I wholeheartedly agree.  Now we bring you a special WTAF?  Are you STUPID or something? report from our field reporter, Jeremy McIntosh.  He brings a tale of IM stupidity at its finest (worst?).  Read and take heed, people... don't let stupid happen to you:

<IM pops up from a co worker>: Is order XXXXXX ready for install and has it been tested?
Jeremy: Does the ordering system say it is ready?
Idiot: I did not look at the ordering system.
J: Well my notes are in there and that is where you should look.
Moron: OK. I'll go there and look.
J: OK.
<a few minutes later they come back>
Imbecile : Notes say you are waiting on ATT to deliver.
J: Yes. They have not delivered the circuit yet. They will not be delivering it until 8/3 like my note says.
Nincompoop: So, can you test it today and install it?
J: What part of it is not going to be delivered until 8/3 are you not understanding?
Shit for Brains: So are you saying it's not ready?
J: Does the ordering system say it is ready?
Retardus Maximus: No.
J: There you go.
Mouth Breather: What does that mean?
<closed the IM window>

Brad: My heart goes out to Jeremy for having to endure that.  Thirty-love.

Stacy: This breaking news ... just in ... while on the phone with a potential client ... I was actually told "I moved here from Florida after..." I'm not kidding you, this reporter actually had to pause for a minute to make sure she wasn't hearing things! You dumb-ass mother fucker - we're IN Florida... you can't move here FROM Florida... unless you've created a sort of "North Florida / South Florida" that the rest of the United States isn't aware of yet. Go piss in the corner of a round room you dumb-ass lint licker.  Thank you. That is all. Thirty Love - OUT!

Stacy: Good afternoon our lovely followers. Today's WTAF news story comes straight out of the How to Romance a Woman... INCORRECTLY  files. Be warned, my faithful followers, this too, could happen to you!

Buzzzzzz
RB*: Be honest you want to fuck me?
me: I don't know, why?
RB: Just curious.
me: Just curious? LOL. Quite the curiousity you got there (sidenote: that text came out of NOWHERE)
RB: Yeah I want to make you scream
me: Oh? Why.
RB: I want to watch your face as your (sic) cumming
me: yeah, well, I fuck like a porn star so watch out. (probably not my best response)
RB: Nice. LOL you have not fucked anyone like me before though
(sidenote: I'm rolling my eyes about 30 times by this point, sighing and such)
me: I'm sure (pokerface) How are you different?
RB: Cause I'm a sexy mother fucker
me: .... <gags> doesn't make you good in bed, bitch.

(names have been changed to protect the guilty.  *RB= Random Boy. Don't try to figure it out. You won't. Unless you're him... then... please, man up and show me some respect)

Back to you, Brad.

Brad: Thank you, Stacy, for that insight into the inner workings of a retarded man's mind...aka, ALL men.  That's the news for tonight, folks.  Tune in next time for more WTAF news.  Thirty-love.

Brad: Good morning and welcome to today's edition of WTAF morning news.  I'm Brad Sharp and with me is Stacy J. Sciarra.  Today's news is ripped from the headlines of Gawker.com.  So many WTAFs to rattle off, so let's get started with the actual article:

"New York State Gets Around to Renaming ‘Nigger Lake’ - The WSJ reports that they just recently noticed that New York state maps have "Nigger Lake" and "Nigger Road" and "Nigger River." This was all completely unknown! Now the state's changing the names on its official maps, to, for example, "unnamed lake."  Still, the post-racial citizens of modern New York are utterly mystified as to what this all means."

As I said, there are many WTAFs to acknowledge:

1. WTAF, New York?!  You JUST now noticed this?!  It's 2011!  How... HOW do you just skip over so many areas named 'Nigger'?!?!  I bet if there was a Honkey Pond, Cracker Creek, or Jew Swamp, you'd fix that IMMEDIATELY!

2. WTAF, Gawker?!  You post THIS as the stock photo for the article?!?!

Now, don't get me wrong; I found it funny as hell, but as a news source it is your job to think ahead and take into consideration the various sensitivity of some of your readers.  Unless you were TRYING to piss some people off, this picture, although funny to some, was just blatantly tasteless.  The only way that I could see getting away with posting this photo with this article would be to have the following caption under it:
"Hey Brett, this is delightful. It was a charming idea to just stop here randomly and start fishing. Good thing we never leave the house without our tackle!"

"You are correct Cindy, this is lovely. Why I have a notion to just lay a big ol' smoocher on you! I wonder what the provincials call this bucolic watering hole."

"I don’t know Brett, why don’t you go ask that gentleman over there by the recreational vehicle? Surely he must be knowledgeable on local lore."

"Okie-doke, hon! I’ll be right back!"


See?  Funny AND tastefully done.  ^_^

3. WTAF, sensitive readers?!  I know that I just gave Gawker hell for posting that image, but did you REALLY have to get so upset over it?  Grow some rhino hide and laugh at shit for a change.  Being so uptight and easily offended will only get you constipated.  If you don't laugh at yourself first, you better believe someone will do it for you.  If there was a Faggot Lake and it showed two glittery twinks fishing and grinning like idiots, I wouldn't get offended; I'd laugh my friggin' gay butt off!!!

That concludes this section of WTAFs.  Now I must find another fishing hole for my favorite lure:

Back to you, Stacy!

Stacy: <blinks and stares wide-eyed> "Thanks, Brad. I think ... all I really have to add to this story is ... seriously, what the ACTUAL fuck... That is all."

Brad: This just in: reports of sudden outbreaks of spontaneous osteoporosis have reached a new high (low?) in the workforce today.  Here is a quote from a victim of a victim of an attack...

Megan: "I brought string cheese for lunch to work yesterday...I went to the fridge at about 2[pm] to retrieve it...it was gone...someone actually took my string cheese! WTAF?!"

Brad: Severe calcium deficiency is no laughing matter.  To prepare and protect yourself, always have a Super Soaker filled with milk at your desk at all times.  Don't worry about refrigerating it; it works better that way.

Stacy will be joining us soon.  Stay tuned for more WTAF news as it happens throughout the day.

Stacy: Thanks Brad and good morning my faithful little What the Actual Fuckers ... In a completely unrelated to osteoporosis and severe clacium deficiency issue... I had a definite WTAF moment during my morning commute. As I was driving, I noticed I was a little low on fuel. I pull into the gas station ...and what...the ...actual... fuck... every single pump had a plastic bag over it with an 'out of order' sign attached to it. Um, you're a gas station ... shouldn't you ... you know, be prepared for people to come into your place of business for GAS?!?! I mean, seriously. You have digital signs - let the people know before they pull out of traffic, into the lot and circle like idiots. KTHXBAI.

Brad: Good morning.  Welcome to WTAF News.  As always, I'm Brad Sharp, and with me is Stacy J. Sciarra.  Today's top story: etiquette in the workplace; is it as dead as common sense?  To highlight the issue, we will provide a reenactment of a conversation of a retelling of the incidents...

-------------

Brad: So, there I was in the break room, adding my creamer, sweetener, and hot chocolate mix in my cup (I prefer to add that shit first). NO ONE else was in there... just me.... I am kinda in front of the coffee machine and kinda to the side of it as I am preparing my powdery cocktail...  I look up at the K-Cups and see that we were running low... all that was there was decaf and ONE cup of regular...  As I am preparing, some twerp comes in, swoops like a falcon, and snatches the last regular while bitching about the low supplies!

Stacy: OMFG!  Did you bitch slap him!?!?

Brad: Too in shock... I am still mixing, thinking... "Okay, I guess I'm getting decaf..." Then he looks at me and says, "Oh, were you about to make coffee?" <in my head>"Nah, I just like to hang out in the break room, mixing powdered coffee condiments, and choking them down.  Coffee really gets in the way of that satisfying crunch."  <in reality>"Yeah, and I was gonna use that regular cup..." "Oh... uh... *hesitates like it's the last bit of heroin in the world* well, I GUESS you were here first... you can have it." <in my head>"Yes, yes I CAN! *snatch*" <in reality>"Thank you!"  Then he has the nerve to pull this...  "I think I have a stash at my desk"... leaves, and comes back with his stash... THIS... this is why were are low on supplies, jackass!

Stacy: OMG - are you effing serious?!?!

Brad: Deadly.  I should raid his desk...  I should make all that coffee and just pour it down the sink... while filming it... then send him the video...

-------------

Brad: And there you have it.  Proof that idiots run amok among us.  WTAF?  Live in fear America….  Back to you, Stacy.

Stacy:  Good afternoon WTAF viewers and thank you, Brad, for your in depth report on idiots in the workplace. For a change of pace, I'd like to discuss this ... I can't really categorize it ... it just falls in the general WTAF.

Posted today on Facebook:  Looking for someone to go with me to Texas Cattle Co. tonight so I can get my free steak dinner 4 my bday. Any Takers?

HOW TACKY IS THAT!?!? She might as well have posted  "I'm too cheap to pay for my own meal and don't have friends with money so I'm going to solicit the general public"

Manners and tact - apparently, it is a lost art.

Thanks for tuning in ... and seriously... what the actual fuck. We'll back tomorrow, folks.

Stacy - Good morning viewers and welcome to WTAF News. This mornings top story ... WTAF ... how is it that these papers are MISSING? I mean, they were right here a minute ago?!?! WTAF, folks. Back to you, Brad Sharp"

Brad - ‎AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRR​GGGGGGG!!!!!!!! >_< Back to you, Stacy.

Stacy - Thanks Brad. I have updates to yesterday's story about the Wite-Out. It seems that due to increasingly unbelieveable stupidity, the office Wite-Out is ... seriously.... fucked. I don't know how this was accomplished, as it's not that difficult to use the E-Z Wite-Out but alas, it's true.

Brad - Oh good lord... you are gonna come in one day to find her wrapped from head to to in white ribbons and tied to her chair, looking at you with desperate eyes while mumbbling a "Help me" through the tape over her poor retarded mouth.

Summer - Stacy, Brad, this is Summer Thompson reporting live from Cedar Rapids, Iowa with an unrelated issue. It appears that several railcars from the Union Pacific rail yard have gone missing. While, in reality, they are still in the yard, nobody seems to be able to locate them. Overpaid Carnival workers a.k.a Railroad employees are searching as we speak. I will update you as I know more. This has been Summer Thompson reporting live for WTAF news "where no news is good news". Back to you.....

Stacy - Thanks Summer. WTAF is right ... missing rail cars? In completely unrelated news, I'd like to report that I am not an attorney and if you don't like the way I draft the order then do it your damn self or provide me with some guidance BEFORE I draft the damn thing. I mean, really, What Theeeeeee Actual FUCK. I am not a mind reader. If I was ... I'd be helping locate those missing rail cars. Back to you Brad.

Brad - AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG... I could be a while... Now the weather with Kiki.

Kiki - Haaaaay! See dis hur picture of a sun? Dat means it be hAHt, y'all. Stay yo stupid asses inside unless you wanna spawntan... spontain... spown.... catch fire outta nowhere. Sheeeet, my weeve melted to my skull! No more expensive ass trips to the salon for dis gurl! Haaay! Back to.... um... y'all white bitches...

Brad - This just in: Reports of a "ghetto virus" that has been rapidly spreading in offices worldwide. Keep away from your coworkers if you experience any unusual or "ghetto" behavior. An example would be an e-mail sent to clients that reads as such; "There will be a file at by th end of th day." (yes, an actual e-mail, copied and pasted, as-is, that was sent to the CLIENT) The only cure for this rapidly spreading disease is education.  Throw books at them!  Many books!  BIG books!  Preferably dictionaries!

Stacy - You heard it here first, folks, ghetto virus is airborne and on the loose. Protect yourself. Protect your kids. Hide yo' wife, hide yo' hus-buuuunds... oh shizzzznits - I think I caughted it. Sendin' this shit back to you, Homie B

Brad - ‎*throws an encyclopedia at Stacy*

Stacy - <gets hit by encyclopdia, falls to the ground and fails to get back up>  I'm sorry to report that due to an unfortunate accident today WTAF News anchor Stacy Sciarra will no longer be with us

Brad - Oh, get up... it was just the X's... that volume is basically a pamphlet. :-P

Stacy - FINE. <gets up> Continuing with our WTAF reporting of the ghetto virus, I submit to you a redacted for privacy e-mail recently received by this reporter.

I was working for (a company) from April 18 to July 14th. The entire time that I was working there The director M (redacted) kept harrassing me for no reason, and it was always for something different. The gave me so may test to take while I was there and I never scored nothing lower that a 90%. She called me in the office to let me know that she was terminating me. I asked her what was the reasom for the departure with the company, and she replied I am not fit for the company. The lady who terminated me is hispanic and the other person that was hired with me J (redacted) is also hispanic. M have her an additional 30 probationary period. When I asked the director why was J extended and I was let go, M could not answer. J spoke to the team lead M (redacted) and asked why was I let go when we had the same percentage on our test. Md replied to her ooh noooooo, L scored lower than you. They edited my test to try to find grounds to terminate me. I had a 90% out of a 50 question test. Thank you in advance.

Stacy *meeps**faints*

Brad - Welcome to WTAF news. I'm Brad, and this is my co-anchor, Stacy. World... what the actual fuck?

Stacy - Thanks, Brad. I would like to point out that this morning WTAF will be feeding live from my place of employment. Stand by for lots and lots of WTAF moments.

‎Brad - Today's top story: White-Out. Could it be giving you brain damage without you knowing it? We go live on location to Stacy with this breaking report. Stacy?

‎Stacy - Thanks Brad. Yes, it's true. We have evidence now that suggests huffing white out, particularly the E-Z tape kind, can cause brain damage ... to those AROUND you...OK SERIOUSLY WTF. I just spent 10 minutes explaining how to use WHITE OUT to Judy. Like, it's just not that difficult ... and why is this my  job?  Back to you, Brad"

Brad - Thank you Stacy. It was the EZ tape kind?! Why do I see her with a little white ribbon flapping out of a nostril like TP on a shoe?!  Too bad they don't make Stupid-Out. What the actual fuck, America? Need help with that PEN, too?

Stacy - I'm dying laughing right now at the white ribbon flapping out of the nostril like TP on a shoe... omfg. Seriously.

Brad - Just flap flap flapping with every oblivious exhale.

Stacy - Better than fap-fap-fapping with an obvious ... well, you know.

Brad - OMG, I HOPE Judy doesn't fap!!! I think that would kinda trump Paula in the gross out department. >_<

Stacy - *throws up* ... uh, back to you Brad

‎Brad - Uh... we, uh... seem to be having some technical difficulties. We'll be right back after these messages and after we bleach our brains.  *jingle* "Double-yoo-tee-ay-eff!"

<cut to commercial> "Pesky co-workers? Bosses you hate dealing with? No problem! Introducing the EZ Tape Wite-Out Poison Pen!!! While the idiots in the office are busy trying to get high, you can relax knowing they are giving themselves a lethal dose of chloroform!!"

Sheena - Maybe next time you should attempt to teach her how to redact in adobe pro!

Stacy - <Judy cocks head to the side> "What's Adooooo-beee?"

Brad - ‎"........ an adorable bee... move, I'll do it."

News, weather, sports, and whatever the hell else we feel like telling you... WTAF style.

What The Actual Fuck by definition:
WTAF is an expression of extreme surprise or mass confusion used when "what the fuck" is insufficient to convey the magnitude of the situation. The increasingly flippant use and associated devaluation of the query 'what the fuck?' has necessitated the creation a more heart-felt derivative.  Example: "What the actual fuck are you doing?"

WTAF News is brought to you by the hilarious duo of Brad Sharp and the lovely Stacy J. Sciarra.

Got a breaking WTAF news story that you want to add?  Contact us and become a field reporter!

NewsDesk@WTAFnews.com