Reports from Vivan Smartass: Part IV

Stacy J. Sciarra: "Good evening my stuffed like turkeys from Thanksgiving fuckers...tonight we have another WTAF story from our field reporter, Vivian Smartass. Vivian?"

Vivian Smartass: Thanks, Stacy.  Vivian Smartass here with another report from the Human Resources front.  I just had the following conversation with a prospective employee.  I do not know how he said this with a straight face.

Dumbass (DA):  Yeah I didn’t get those forms you sent me to fill out, my email was freezing up.  Can you send it to my other one?
Smartass (SA):  Sure!  What is it?
DA:  Lastname420_69@yahoo.com
SA:  D:

Vivian:  Seriously?  You eediot!  How can you seriously, honest and for true, give out that email to a PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER??  Do you really think that the old fogeys in HR don’t know what 420 and 69 denote?  Alas, that I was never young!

And some more fun with resumes.  Sadly, these are actual examples that have not been edited.  The stupid, it burns:

Example 1:
What skills do you have that would help perform this job?
Readying ,writing and communication
(Vivian:  You say these words.  I do not think they mean what you think they mean.)

Example 2:
IM A VERY DEPENDABLE PERSON,HARD WORK, WILLING TO LEARN KNEW THING ON A DAILY BASES,QUICK LEARNER,I PUT EVERY THING INTO MY JOB,I LOVE PEOPLE
(Vivian:  It’s great that you love people, Precious, but work on the written communication skills.)

Example 3:
EXCELLENT WIRTTEN AND VERBAL COMMUNICATION
(Vivian:  RWREALLY?)

Example 4:
I have 5 years of experience, including as a Telephone Sales Rep, as a Crew Member and a cashier industries including Business Services, Eating and Drinking Places and Eating and Drinking Places.
(Vivian:  Really Really Really?)

Example 5:
Accurately put wood pieces together to create doors fronts and drawer
fronts.
• Identified and resolved problems with wood
• Verified that all wood was as it was supposed to be
(Vivian:  This just made me laugh.  Oh no, the wood is not as it is supposed to be!
Brad Sharp:  I bet wood paneled items really confuse the hell out of him.  :-P)

Example 6:
Other:  Healthy and a non-smoker
(Vivian:  Good for you.  Should not be on a resume.  Ever.)

Example 7:
Employer: XXX               Location: Chicago, IL
Title:  sales ass
Description:  helped customer with their needs of shoes
(Vivian:  Actually, I really want to be a sales ass.  Customer:  “Hi, do you have…”  Me:  “NO!”  *throws shoe*  “MWAHAHA!”  Also, I have needs of shoes.  Lots of needs of shoes.)

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