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Brad Sharp: Good morning, readers. Welcome to another day of WTAFnews. I know we have been MIA for a while, but bitch, we have lives. Due to said absence, we have a stockpile of news stories to lay on your peepers. So, grab a cup of joe and let's get this party started.
First up, 9/11 Remembrance. Now, I am all for remembering the fallen and tipping the proverbial hat to the countless brave people who assisted on that day to rescue so many, but let’s not get crazy here. First off, if you are a product manufacturer or an ad company… just don’t touch it, m’kay? Don’t try to appear sentimental or sincere in an ad that you are blatantly using to pluck at the heartstrings of a nation just to hawk some panty liners. Also, jokes are a serious no-go here. You make a funny about a tragedy, you might as well sell your stock now and run for the hills, ‘cause your company is gonna fold faster than a little Japanese girl in an origami contest. Overall, you would be so much better off if you ignore the date 9/11 altogether. Your company, employees, and consumers will thank you for it. On another note to this issue, don’t make edibles with the picture of the flag or the towers. It just feels… wrong… to tear into them and chuck them down my gullet. I would feel guilty… especially if it was SUPER delicious.
Guy1 – Hi there! Great profile!
Guy2 – I know, right?!
Guy1 – Oh, sorry, wrong profile. Yours is actually pretty shit. Good luck with that!
This article is for all the douche-tards that think it is cool, funny, or super-dope-fly to act like a total asshat when you are online. I seriously hope you do not act like this in real life. If you do, expect a baby aborting punch to the gonads when you cross my path. There is confidence, then there is acting like a total jack-donkey who thinks he is the shit on bee’s knees and god’s gift to all who walk the Earth. Yes, you may be attractive, but that attractiveness takes a total nosedive when you act like you KNOW you are hotter than the passion of a hundred flamenco dancers. Suddenly you have just become very very OOGLY. When you have key words such as "hot", "stud", and "sexy" in your screen name, I usually find it to either be a total letdown (sorry, guys) or an indicator that you are WAY too full of yourself to allow another person into your life. Shouldn’t I be the one to tell you that you are hot, studly, and sexy? When you describe yourself as such, it just makes it public literary masturbation. Also, since we are on the subject of misleading screen names, guys who are over 40 that have the words "boy/boi", "Jr.", "young", or other words that describe youth, you need to listen up as well. You may have created this profile back when the internet was first invented, but I think it is time for a change, Miner Sixty-Niner. You're not fooling anyone. You look like a cartography map. Here are a few suggestions: “Coot”, “Vintage”, “Old Fart”, and “Methuselah”.
Lastly, this goes out to the unfortunate soul that I heard when going into the office bathroom this morning. I walked in and heard "*ggggrrrrRRRRUUUUUUNT*" O_O I did not want it to become an awkward situation for both of us, so I turned around immediately and left. Dude, it's not a baby, that is not a head, and that is definitely not an umbilical cord. Halloween is still over a month away, so stop with the haunted house sound effects. Grunty McGrunterson, you sound like ya need more fiber. Must've been like passing gravel and glass shards. Poor Grunty. I will put some Fiber One bars in the break room for ya.
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